It’s about the journey,
​not just the destination
​By Tara Watkins, LICSW

​For many, the High Holidays are a time for reassessing goals, those achieved as well as those that remain unfinished. We might ask ourselves, “would our (unfinished) goals align with our core values, be realistic, or hold meaning in our lives?” If the answer is “no” then perhaps they were created for the wrong reasons and therefore not truly useful for us.

Studies have shown that the more we align our goals with core values and principals the more we are likely to find satisfaction in goal setting. Meaningful goals involve values, bind us to reality, and call for self evaluation. They help us more fully understand what is important. (Chowdhury, 2019.)

Meaningful goals also play an important part in the development and maintenance of our psychological well-being. When we are making progress on our goals, we are happier emotionally and more satisfied with our lives (Pychyl, 2008).

Unfortunately, too often we might find ourselves focused on the end result, rather than the process it takes to get there. The goal process, or journey, is itself full of rich opportunity for personal growth. Some experts suggest that the journey towards our goal is even more important than the ultimate completion of the goal itself (Robbins, 2014). When we ignore the process and focus only on the attainment, we lose sight of what we are trying to achieve.

Studies show that goal progress is related to positive emotions and overall wellbeing. (Pychl, 2008) When we make progress on our goals, we experience positive emotions and more satisfaction with life. This in turn increases our sense of overall well-being. 

Positive emotions also contribute to our motivation to act. Thus, working towards our goals is a win win situation, if we can just begin the process. 

The following are four simple steps to help us get started in goal setting:

1) Make a plan (and write it down). As the famous saying goes, “Begin with the end in mind.” The most crucial aspect of goal-setting is to build an effective plan. Plans, especially written ones, make habit forming and maintaining easier. 

Research shows that goals that are not kept only in our heads but rather written down have a higher completion rate.  Personal goal setting might be as simple as writing up a daily “to do” list (depending on the complexity and time frame of the goal).

2) Explore resources. The more we educate ourselves about the goal itself, the easier it will be to see it through. For example, we might begin to broaden our knowledge base by talking to experts or engaging with others who have also completed this goal. 

3) Be accountable. We tend to succeed with goal setting more often when we are held accountable by/to someone else. If we must be accountable only to ourselves, keeping a log or journal of our progress can help with accountability.

4) Use rewards. Rewarding ourselves – whether it’s spending time with a friend or engaging in a special activity we have really wanted to do –  motivates and boost us up. Using a rewards system, particularly when we are trying to achieve a difficult goal, may help continue with the plan and not lose motivation. (Chowdhury, 2019)

Remember that there may be set backs along the way. Realistic expectations should factor in a certain amount of getting off track. But, please do not allow yourself to remain stuck here. Accepting ourselves as we are – both our strengths and our weaknesses – helps in maintaining realistic expectations. By allowing ourselves to bend sometimes, we are able to adapt to the changing needs of our lives while not losing sight of the goal.

Shana Tovah!

Need a little help with getting started with goal setting or figuring out what went wrong with a particular goal? As the Kesher social worker for the temple, Shana Prohofsky is available to help with exploring any obstacles or barriers in achieving goals as well as other personal challenges. Please contact her at shana@jfsri.org or at 401-420-4084.

References:
Breuning, Loretta G. Ph.D “Four Common Obstacles That Interfere with Goal Setting” Psychology Today posted on March 17, 2013. 
Chowdhury, Madhuleena Roy.    “A Look at the Psychology of Goal Setting” PostivePsychology.com June 6th 2019.
Clear, James.  “Goal Setting: A Scientific Guide to Setting and Achieving Goals.” Jamesclear.com https://jamesclear.com/goal-setting
Mitchell, Marilyn Price. Ph.D “Goal Setting is Linked to Higher Achievement” Psychology Today. March 14, 2018.
Nowack, Kenneth, “Facilitating successful behavior change: Beyond goal setting to goal flourishing.” Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, Vol 69(3), Sep 2017, 153-171.
Pychl, Timothy, Ph.D  “Goal Progress and Happiness” Psychology Today,  June 7th, 2008.
Robbins, Stever. “How to Set Goals for the Life You Actually Want.” Work Smart April 29, 2014.

Guilt:  noun, \’gilt\, 1.  The fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving penalty, 2. The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously, 3. A feeling of deserving blame for offenses.*

It is the punchline of many a Jewishly-themed joke, but feelings of guilt as a caregiver for an aging parent can become no laughing matter. While a small dose of guilt can serve as a great motivator, too much can overwhelm and become unhealthy. Caregivers, who experience high levels of guilt and feelings of inadequacy, are more prone to depression, risk physical exhaustion, and can become resentful. Those caregivers, whose loved ones have passed, yet who continue to second guess their caregiving, often experience prolonged, more complicated grieving.

Professionals in the field of aging acknowledge that it is unrealistic to achieve a caregiving relationship that is completely guilt free. No caregiving situation is ever going to be perfect. End of life decline is a process that cannot be fixed or reversed.** Furthermore, seeking to provide complete relief or a cure from suffering is an impossible goal. It is however recommended that caregivers manage guilt by setting realistic goals for themselves, as well as the person for whom they are providing care. Although it is difficult, it is necessary to come to terms with the fact that what you think you should do is not always equal to what you can or are even willing to do.*** A wealth of supportive services exist to alleviate the burden on you, as the caregiver. As your temple’s Kesher worker, I can assess your family’s unique caregiving needs and link you to appropriate programs at Jewish Collaborative Services, as well as services in the greater RI community that are available to assist you and your family members on your caregiving journey.

In addition to seeking help from others and utilizing available services, it is important to practice self-care by taking time for yourself in order to achieve a balance between caregiving tasks and other personal objectives and relationships. This could include exercise, meditation, reading a book, taking a walk, or visiting with friends. Moreover, occasional negative feelings such as anxiety or even dread associated with caregiving tasks are normal and do not mean that you do not care about or love your family member. Caregiver support groups, as well as individual counseling can be helpful in addressing feelings of inadequacy, guilt, anger, or resentment. As always, I am available through the Kesher program to provide support free of charge by lending a compassionate, confidential ear. I can also assist in making referrals for caregiver support groups, or ongoing private counseling.

Below is a listing of program areas within Jewish Collaborative Services that may be suitable to meet your family’s specific needs:

• Lifeline RI Emergency Response System: Lifeline is a personal emergency response system which provides fast access to trained Response associates in the event of an emergency at the press of a button. Lifeline associates provide services 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
• Housing: The Phyllis Siperstein Tamarisk Assisted Living Residence offers enriched assisted living long term home options through assisted living residences, as well as short-term respite care and adult day services at the Celebrations Adult day center. The Shalom affordable housing complex, includes Shalom and Shalom II Apartments, offers supportive living with services for seniors and those with mobility impairments.
• Celebrations Adult Day Services at Tamarisk: Celebrations offers personal care assistance, as well as a wide range of activities and social programs to enhance physical and emotional wellbeing in a safe and supportive environment. Services are available 7 days a week in 6 to 8 hour blocks of time.
• JERI Senior Outreach Visits: JERI staff and volunteers regularly visit homebound Jewish seniors, as well as Jewish seniors living in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, or in the hospital. Volunteers offer companionship, as well as a friendly check on the senior’s status and outlook. Cultural programs, religious services, spiritual support, holiday gift deliveries, and family assistance for seniors who may otherwise feel isolated from their communities are also provided.
• Partners in Care: The Partners in Care Program, thanks to funding from AmeriCorps, provides free, in-home, companion level respite for families, who have a connection with military services and are caring for older or disabled adults.
• The Counseling Center: The Counseling Center’s independently licensed, master’s level clinicians provide confidential, high quality counseling services to children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families, who are experiencing life challenges.
• Geriatric Care Management: The Geriatric Care Management program provides a combination of assessment, resources, and referrals to help seniors and their families to manage the challenges of aging.
• Nutrition: Kosher Senior Cafes at the Jewish Alliance in Providence and at Temple Sinai in Cranston offer kosher lunches and an opportunity for meaningful social interaction. The Kosher Meals on Wheels program delivers nutritious kosher meals to homebound seniors. The Louis & Goldie Chester Full Plate Kosher Food Pantry provides kosher food and personal care items to those in need. Delivery is available for those who are homebound.
• Basic Needs Assistance: The Case Management social workers provide confidential guidance to connect individuals and families with vital social services to help them manage physical, emotional, or financial challenges that put their wellbeing at risk. A free financial literacy program is also available, which provides extended support for those who need help managing their finances and getting or staying out of debt.

Are you a caregiver for a family member? Would you benefit from supportive assistance? Please do not hesitate to reach out to me by phone at 401-428-4084 or by email at shana@jfsri.org.

Are you looking for volunteer opportunities? Partners in Care, Tamarisk, The Louis &Goldie Chester Full Plate Kosher Food Pantry, and the JERI program could always use a helping hand.  Please contact Jessica Murphy at 401-331-1244 for more information.

* - Guilt. 2019. In Merriam-Webster.com. Retrieved July 6, 2019, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guilt.

** - Capuzzi Simon, Cecelia.  (July 14, 2008).  Guilt by Association:  Even Caring Adult Children Don’t Outgrow Feelings of Guilt.  Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whos-caring-mom/200807/guilt-association.

*** - Jacobs, Barry J.  (June 1, 2016).  Caregivers:  Living with Guilt.  Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2017/living-with-guilt-bjj.html.

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Shana Prohofsky is the Kesher social worker at Temple Sinai and Temple Torat Yisrael. Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Collaborative Services of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island and private donors. Shana can be reached at shana@jfsri.org or 401-428-4084.

It was wonderful to see everyone from Temple Sinai and Temple Torat Yisrael join together for shabbat services at Goddard Park, finding communality and celebrating similarities. Closing out the week with song, prayer, and reflection is just one of the many ways we can set the weeks’ events behind us, allowing us to rest and reset before entering a new week full of possibility.

While the dog days of summer are upon us, I want to remind everyone that I am still available to assist with any problems that might be troubling you. Please feel free to reach out to me by phone at (401) 428-4084, or by email at shana@jfsri.org.

​By Tara Watkins, LICSW

Grief is a complex personal journey. We may think, or be told, that we need to "get over it” or "move on.” At times we may struggle with ways to find closure or say goodbye. We may feel a range of emotions from deep sadness and loss to relief, remorse, or even betrayal. All are normal grief reactions. Giving ourselves space to feel the emotions without judgment is important.

Most of us are familiar with the five stages of grief by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. According to Kessler, “these stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” He explains, “They (the five stages) are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Most of us do not experience all of them or in a prescribed order. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is as unique as you are.”

Some of us may feel a strong sense that part of ourselves is now missing or died with our loved one. As a result, it may be hard, if not impossible, to remain the same person we were before the death. We might find ourselves asking, “who am I now that this person is no longer physically in my life?” As we walk our grief paths we may discover a new personal identity slowly emerging. Sometimes it might take time, even years, to really know and identify with this new sense of self.

At times, we may feel “set back” in our journey, perhaps after experiencing a trigger such as a special anniversary, familiar scent, or finding a treasured memento. It is during times like these that leaning on personal supports such as members of our own social networks, a trusted rabbi, religious leader, professional therapist or grief counselor may be restorative.

Joining a community of peers who are also on grief journeys is another way to help strength and sustain ourselves during the difficult moments. It helps us remember that although our personal loss is individual, grief itself is a universal human experience. We are not alone in experiencing grief.

Above all else, please remember to be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve- take one step at a time, and just keep on stepping.

Would you like help with navigating a grief journey challenge? Temple Sinai’s Kesher social worker, Shana Prohofsky, is available should you like help with finding grief resources, an ear to listen, or guidance and direction around another personal situation. Shana is available to speak by phone, in person, or by email. Please reach out to her at 401-428-4084 or shana@jfsri.org.

Referenced material:
Website: https://whatsyourgrief.com/ What's Your Grief: Grieving Someone You Didn’t Like (because it happens) - 2017-02-02 09:34:13-05

Therese A. Rando, “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies.” New York: Bantam Books, 1991.

​David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, “On Grief and Grieving” New York: Scribner, 2014.

Tara Watkins, LICSW, is the Kesher social worker at Temple Emanu-El. Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Collaborative Services, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island, and private donors. Currently, Kesher is active at Congregation Beth Sholom, Temple Torat Yisrael, Temple Emanu-El and Temple Sinai.

​“Did Bubbe let YOU do that as a kid?”

“That is DEFINITELY not the same woman who raised me!”

“Oh, this is the time to spoil them, we just don’t see them often enough.”

“Family get togethers cause just as much strife as they do pleasure…”

These are just a few of the phrases I heard floating around Seders and synagogues this Passover season. Holidays and vacations are often a time for families to come together, which can bring forth pleasure but also stress or hard feelings. So, as summer approaches and family vacations are being penciled onto calendars, how do Jewish grandparents view themselves, what is their role these days as families evolve, and how do we keep peace in our homes?

Earlier this spring, The Jewish Grandparents Network released findings of the first study of Jewish grandparents. They found that 94% of the 8,000 respondents were positive about their experiences as grandparents. Yet, 19% reported feeling under-appreciated in their role as grandparents by their adult children, 16% reported difficulty in achieving balance between grandparenting and other roles, and 11% reported grandparenting as stressful.(1) The findings show that grandparenting experiences are multi-faceted; and that as with most things in life, there are negatives along with the positives. What if you find yourself experiencing the same feelings, either as the grandparent or parent? What can be done to achieve more positive experiences going forward?

While the study has not yet addressed these questions, a good starting point is to examine the why’s behind the negative feelings. As cliched as it sounds, are there unresolved issues from raising the parents as children? Is there a difference in expectations between the parents and grandparents? Is there tension because of family dynamics? Is there a lack of boundaries between parents and grandparents? To gain a greater perspective, try to consider the particular issues from different points of view. First and foremost, examine the issues from your point of view. Determine what is really the cause of some anxiety and what you would like to change. Next, try to view the issues from the perspective of the other side. How would the other person see it? Finally, and often the most difficult, is to look at the issues as if you are an unbiased third party. Would an outside observer see the issues in the same light? (2)

After examining the whys, it is time to move onto the hows. How are these feelings going to be resolved? Open and honest communication is always key, but mindfulness about the approach is necessary. The conversation should take place away from grandchildren. Also, it is best to try not to start the conversation in a heated moment. Wait until things are calm to open the dialogue. Begin the discussion from a positive place. A good way to start off could be by saying, “I know we both want what is best, and we both agree on…,” or “we both love…”  Be open to hearing the other person’s point of view. Be careful to not assign blame when discussing the particulars, which can quickly shut down the conversation. Be flexible in finding a resolution, even if this means agreeing to disagree. Most importantly, be respectful of each other’s role as grandparent and parent. Grandparents are essential to our families and communities. Let’s keep them involved.
​
Are you finding yourself in a similar situation? If something in this article strikes a personal note with you and you would like to explore your thoughts in a confidential and private manner, I am available. As the Kesher worker for the Temple. I can help provide support to congregants and their families on a variety of concerns, including those related to familial or intergenerational conflict. I may be reached by email at shana@jfsri.org or by phone at 428-4084.

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1 Hendler, Lee M. and Raphael, David.  (March 25, 2019).  Who’s Your Bubbe Now?  Some Surprising Findings from the 1st National Study of Jewish Grandparents.  Retrieved from https://ejewishphilanthropy.com/whos-your-bubbe-now-some-surprising-findings-from-the-1st-national-study-of-jewish-grandparents/

2 Civico, Ph.D., Aldo.  (June 4, 2015).  3 Steps to Resolving Conflict Within Your Family:  The Perspective Triage Strategy Allows You to Master Your Emotions. Psychology Today.

Hello, I am Shana Prohofsky, and I am the new Temple Sinai Kesher social worker. For those of you who I have not yet met, or who are not familiar with the program, Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Collaborative Services. It is funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island and private donors. Kesher is currently active at Temple Torat Yisrael, Congregation Beth Sholom, Temple Emanu-El, and of course here at Temple Sinai. I also serve as the Kesher social worker at Temple Torat Yisrael.

The Kesher program provides a synagogue-based social worker to assist members of the congregation during periods of life transitions and struggle. Kesher also serves as a gateway to additional supportive services provided within both the Jewish and broader communities. As the Kesher social worker for Temple Sinai, I am available to meet with congregants, families, and individuals for consultation, resource guidance, referrals for counseling, and just to talk. These services are all provided free of charge to congregants and on a confidential basis. Sometimes, having an intermediary advocate on your behalf can help support a personal dignity while providing privacy and anonymity around sensitive issues.

​Additionally, Kesher helps organize and set up programming on topics of family life, as well as social concerns. Examples of past programming by other Kesher workers include: Wise Aging discussion group, Matter of Balance, Managing Daily Stress, Internet Safety, Grief Support Group, Scam Awareness for Seniors, a panel discussion to support Future Planning for Primary Caregivers of Individuals with Special Needs, a viewing of the documentary Screenagers followed by a Q&A, and more.

Currently, I am exploring interest in the following programs:

1. Caring Connections: exploring how to offer practical, as well as emotional support in times of illness, grief, and/or loss.

2. Finding the Balance: including Jewish customs and practice into daily life; and finding the right balance for your family.

If any of these topics are of interest, please let me know. I am also happy to develop a new program on a particular subject of interest.

If you would like to learn more, receive services, or suggest program ideas, please call me on my work cell phone at 401-428-4084 or email me at shana@jfsri.org.

I look forward to meeting many of you and supporting you on your personal life journeys.

​Shana Prohofsky
Jewish Collaborative Services
401-428-4084 (work cell)
shana@jfsri.org