As we approach our second summer of the pandemic, some of us find ourselves thinking about what has been and what will come to be. With vaccines becoming more widely available and restrictions gradually lifting, many may feel as if we have come to a crossroads. While some might feel relief, others are feeling hesitant and anxious about what life will be like in the coming months. The constant re-evaluation of risk versus benefit and of what we personally feel comfortable doing versus what others are doing can be mentally exhausting. Sometimes it may seem hard, if not impossible, to think of the positives that we might have experienced over the past year.

We hope the following twelve questions may help put things in perspective for some, and aid in reflecting on  ways you might have coped, adapted, changed, and perhaps grown as a result of pandemic life experiences. Additionally, we hope that thinking more about these questions offers some insight,  perhaps clarity and a sense of grounding in what still may feel like uncertain times. (Please note these questions were adapted from a Psychology Today article by Gregg Levoy, and the provided examples for some questions are not all inclusive).

1. Are there new, pleasurable activities that you are involved in that you were not involved in prior to the pandemic? (such as Zoom activities, biking, gardening)
   
   
2. Have you renewed an interest that you could not find time for prior to the pandemic? (perhaps old hobbies come anew, or reconnecting with an acquaintance or family member)  
   
   
3. Has the pandemic spurred you into taking actions in life that you otherwise might not have done? (such as working from home, becoming a caregiver, homeschooling)
   
   
4. Are there ways in which you have become more inventive or more creative during the pandemic? (revisiting an old hobby, taking up a new craft, celebrating holidays or milestones in a new way)
   
   
5. Have there been any positive, unexpected consequences?  (spending more time with those in your home, connecting with neighbors)  
   
   
6. How have you coped with grief or losses? (missing out on holidays together, not being able to visit loved ones, deaths, job losses) If you would like to explore themes of grief and loss further, please join us by Zoom on Monday, May 24 at 7 p.m.  Please contact your Kesher worker for further details about this program.
   
   
7. Have you recognized that some habits you began or picked back up during the pandemic are not beneficial and you would like to stop?  If you are concerned and would like to seek support and guidance, reach out to a trusted friend, clergy member, or Kesher worker; BH Link is also available for 24/7 confidential support and referral at 401-414-5465.
   
   
8. What strengths has the pandemic brought forth in you?  (such as the ability to adapt, resourcefulness, resiliency)
   
   
9. Are there ways in which you have become more caring or compassionate? (such as running errands for others, calling others to check in, waving to neighbors, becoming more aware of or involved in social justice)
   
   
10. Are there any reasons why you might not want the pandemic to end? (slower pace of life, ability to access programming remotely, convenience of working from home, more time with those in your household)  
    
    
11. What wisdom or advice would you give to your year ago self?
    ​
12. What new practices/routines/habits would you like to carry forward into post pandemic life?

We urge you to take some time to ponder the questions and your responses to them.  Some find it helpful to write thoughts down in order to revisit and reflect on them further in the future. Ultimately, remember to be kind to yourself, have confidence in your choices, and remain true to what you determine to be best (given the information available to you at the time) as you continue to move forward in navigating life’s journey.

If you find yourself in need of additional support, please do not hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, clergy, or your Kesher worker.  Tara Watkins, LICSW, the Kesher worker for Congregation Beth Sholom and Temple Emanu-El, is available at 401-527-7772 or tara@jfsri.org. Shana Prohofsky, the Kesher worker for Temple Sinai and Temple Torat Yisrael, is available at 401-619-2106 or shana@jfsri.org.

References
"Nearly 50% of people are anxious about getting back to normal, pre-pandemic life — here’s how to cope," CNBC Website, March 21, 2021.

"20 Questions to Clarify What Your New Normal Will Look Like," Psychology Today Website, March 24, 2021.

By Tara Watkins, LICSW and Shana Prohofsky

Pandemic life has impacted us all in many ways. We have continued to adapt to ever changing restrictions on how we interact with others and go about our daily routines. Combined with that have been concerns and worries that have added additional stressors to our already jam-packed lives. At the end of the day, many of us might just feel “done,” with no reserves left to be there for others. Yet, as humans, a sense of belonging and being in positive relationships with others is vital to our overall wellbeing.

Please consider the following strategies for continuing to support healthy relationships in your life.
​

1. Be mindful: Be aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment you are interacting with a loved one or friend. Our thoughts and feelings directly impact our behavior. For example, if you are feeling frustrated, stressed out, or anxious this may influence how you treat the other person. Being mindfully aware creates opportunity to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings while also allowing them to pass by without being acted on. Mindful reflection reduces the chance we might act or speak in hurtful ways
   
   
2. Supporting Other Relationships:  Everyone’s living situation is different. Some find themselves struggling with living alone, while others are being challenged by continuous contact with household members. For all of us, our social circles have narrowed creating unrealistic expectations for our primary relationships. Tensions might arise if expect a singular relationship to meet all our social and relational needs. Supporting other friendships can provide balance and perspective. It is important to nurture these connections, as this will actually help enrich our primary relationships.
   
   
3. Be Compassionate Towards Yourself and Your Loved One: Be gentle and kind toward yourself as you navigate how to cope with all that is happening. Occasional disagreements are inevitable in most relationships when you are living in stressful conditions. With the stressors of pandemic life, the likelihood of significant fighting increases. Remember that your loved ones are also experiencing stress, fear, and anxiety during the pandemic. Try and be empathetic to their worries and concerns. None of us have lived through a pandemic before. Having compassion for ourselves and others opens the door for emotional connection and helps alleviate some of the worry and strain we might be feeling during the pandemic.
   
   If you or someone you know is in in a relationship with a harmful person-that is someone who may be emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually abusive or exploitive help is available! Please reach out to: Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence ricadv.org; Helpline RI www.helplineri.com/domesticviolence; 1-800-494-8100 National Domestic Violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
   
   
4. Unplug: Our lives are full of screen time these days. As a result, it may feel easy, almost automatic, to turn to our phones or other devices when we feel the desire to unwind. Research has shown that while too much screen time is detrimental to our physical health it also impacts our personal relationships. One study found that 54 % of couples believe their partner’s use of his or her mobile phone, which has increased during the pandemic, has negatively affected their relationship (Traverse, 2021).
   
   
5. Spend quality time together and apart: Research has found that couples who make an effort to spend quality time together and set aside time to plan for the future, focus on goals, take up new hobbies and exercise have been able to maintain more healthy relationships. However, it is also important to balance this out with taking time for ourselves. Even just setting an alarm 15 minutes early to wake up gently with meditation, a walk, or another mindfulness practice before starting your day will prepare you to be there better for yourself and others.
   
   
6. Get fresh air daily: Fresh air and nature are known to soothe the stress response, so get outside, listen to the birds, open the window, or even just sit in the sunlight in your home. Connect to the outdoors in whatever way is meaningful for you. Being compassionate and kind to ourselves and others is easier if we are in pleasant mood.
   
   Throughout time, humans have demonstrated remarkable resilience to overcome hardships and draw close together. Eventually, the pandemic will pass, tensions will ease, and our relationships will be there to continue to nurture and grow.

We hope this article helped you rethink some of your current strategies for fostering positive relationships in your life. If you would like help with processing current relationship struggles, or additional information and referral please reach out to the Kesher worker for your temple (Tara: 401-527-7772, tara@jfsri.org at Temple Emanu-El and Congregation Beth Sholom and Shana: 401-428-4084, shana@jfsri.org at Temple Sinai and Temple Torat Yisrael.)

References
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-mile/202010/9-tips-navigating-relationship-stress-during-covid 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202010/the-pandemic-is-harming-relationships-is-yours-risk 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-engaged-mind/202012/is-relationship-boredom-inevitable-during-covid 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202101/in-times-covid-19-happy-couples-are-doing-these-5-things 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conscious-communication/202006/navigating-social-interaction-in-world-covid-19 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201902/mothers-and-adult-daughters-building-healthy-relationship

Many may recall us saying in programs over the past few months, that while we are all experiencing the pandemic together we are also affected by it in different and unique ways. Just like a road trip, on some days, we may chug along okay, but on other days it may feel endless and we just want to shout, “Are we there yet?”

Similar to a car trip, we know there will be an end to our current restrictions and the pandemic as a whole. But, we are not a hundred percent sure of how the rest of this experience will unfold or exactly when we will arrive at the endpoint.  This continued uncertainty can provoke a variety of feelings such as anxiety, unease, and even physical and mental exhaustion (commonly referred to now as Quarantine Fatigue). Experts agree that to help manage these feelings, it is important to focus on the present, to have a schedule, and to follow a regular routine.  Yet, many of us find ourselves bored with our day to day lives, or at a loss of how to make our days more interesting.  

Below is a list of suggestions, both recapping from previous articles we have written, as well as some new ideas that you might like to consider. Some coping strategies might help make the journey more pleasant, and others might be a one-time occurrence to make a difficult day a little less so.  Please keep in mind that some suggestions will speak to some more than others, and not all suggestions are practical for everyone.  Also, if you find yourself struggling to get through the days or having trouble processing difficult feelings, please reach out to a trusted friend, a member of the temple clergy, your Kesher worker, or call BH Link for 24/7 confidential support at 401-414-5465 (LINK). 

Please remember to try and be gentle with yourself and others. The end to this long road trip is approaching!

1) Connecting with Others: 

1. Reach out by phone: Calling others is something we have all heard a lot during the pandemic. But, we can’t stress enough the importance of a simple phone call to improve sense of connection, especially for loved ones who may live alone or who are more isolated.
2. Write a letter or a card to brighten someone’s day: Send it via email or snail mail. Just knowing someone else has been thinking of us can do wonders with helping to rebuild feelings of connection and community.
3. Nothing to Talk About? Try listening to music over the radio together, read a book and discuss it, watch the same television show, or perhaps try using a virtual platform such as the new Netflix Party app (which allows you to watch movies together with friends and loved ones) or another virtual platform.
4. Live in an apartment building? Try slipping a note under a friend’s door to let them know you are thinking of them. 
5. Try lunch with a side of entertainment:  Join Neal at the Kosher Senior Café online or by phone Tuesdays and Thursdays. 
   1. Use the information below to join in, or call JCS at 401-331-1244 for more information. 
   2. Thursdays in the Kosher Café https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83134455874?pwd=eWZUR3RReUh2QXRWV1BEQmowNmlNQT09 Or Call: 1-929 205 6099 Meeting ID: 831 3445 5874 Passcode: 725029
   3. Tuesdays in the Kosher Café https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81338348983?pwd=bURjbXJ3cDA1MFJIUVR3STZnV2NpQT09 Or Call: 1-929 205 6099 Meeting ID: 813 3834 8983 Passcode: 046461

  2) Help rebuild community; Give a little bit of yourself:

1. Try virtual volunteering or no contact volunteering.  Many organizations are still accepting knitted blankets, and some need volunteers to make telephone calls to check on others (to volunteer for Project HELLO, call The Point at 462-4444).
2. Prefer in-person volunteering?  Contact Jewish Collaborative Services at 401-331-1244 for no contact volunteer opportunities.

3)  Give your brain a workout:

1. Crosswords, Sudoku, puzzles, and coloring pages are ways to stay sharp.  
2. Feeling the need for a true road trip adventure? Most museums and landmarks have free virtual tours online (try the Smithsonian Museums, the British Museum, or Buckingham Palace for a start).

      
4)  Give your eyes a rest and let your ears do the work:
Rhody Radio podcasts by the Rhode Island libraries are available on Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Apple Podcasts.  Or, get updated on the latest happenings with talk radio. If music is more your thing, scroll through the stations until you find something enjoyable.      

5)  Searching for something new to watch? 

1. Check out Age Friendly Rhode Island Room With a View Television Program for seniors.
   • Sundays @ 9 a.m. and 9:30 p.m. Verizon 14/514; Cox 21/1015; Xfinity 292/820; Charter 194; Full Channel 991
   • Sundays @ 8 a.m. WNAC Fox Providence SD/HD; Verizon 11/511; Cox 11/1011; Xfinity 11/811; Charter 11/704; Full Channel 11
   • Saturdays @ 4:30 p.m. CW Providence SD/HD; Verizon 9/509; Cox 9/1009; Xfinity 293/813; Charter 113; Full Channel 11

 
6) Feed your spirit and mind:

1. Connect with your synagogue through services, classes, and activities.  Having technical difficulties? Many congregations provide telephone access to Zoom services and programs – reach out to your congregational office for additional information.
2. Meditation, Relaxation, and Yoga
   • Join Neal on Tuesdays in the Kosher café for chair yoga from 11:30 a.m.-12 p.m.
   • Try the apps Calm, Headspace and Mindfulness (free trials but fees might apply). Ask your doctor for tip sheets on mindfulness and breathing techniques to reduce stress.

7) Improve your mood by changing up your environment:​
Experts agree that time spent in some sunlight is good for our physical health and overall mood. Try raising blinds, opening curtains, and positioning furniture near a window for a dose of brightness. Or you might even want to try painting a wall or two a lighter color. 

8) Get moving: 

1. On nice days, go outside for fresh air or to take a walk. Try a change of scenery by taking a different path (All Trails is a free app for walks and hikes, detailing length and level of difficulty), or take a scenic drive – perhaps Ocean Avenue or Route 4 Southbound to the RI beaches.
2. Put on some music and sway or dance, housework has double benefits – exercise and a clean house, online classes are available through Silver Sneakers (a benefit of some Medicare plans), Pilgrim Senior Center online, or AgeFriendlyRI.org.

If you need assistance putting any of these ideas into practice, please reach out to Shana at 401-428-4084 or shana@jfsri.org. Reach out to Tara at 401-527-7772 or tara@jfsri.org.

,by Shana Prohofsky

Have you experienced a life transition during COVID that has left you feeling adrift? Perhaps you are looking for a way to feel more anchored, less lonely, or less bored? Many of us have spent the past few weeks, during the High Holidays, reflecting on the past year. But what if we go even further and take an extended look into the past? What if this look back could provide us with a newfound sense of contentment with ourselves?

In the book, Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, & Spirit, by Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Linda Thal, the authors propose a life review exercise, which aims to provide a chronologically descriptive, organized method of looking at our life’s journeys. The authors provide specific instructions on how to map out our lives, as if they are rivers, and to consider them stage by stage. Mapping allows us to explore the path of our personal river of life – where it has taken us, and where it might flow in the future. This exercise affords us with the opportunity to interpret the stories of our lives in multiple ways. We engage in nostalgia, we look for and recognize patterns, and we work towards attaining a non-judgmental relationship with ourselves. This new realization of our past can help us to feel more grounded in the present and comfortable moving forward into the future.

Let’s explore the methods of interpretation and their benefits more closely.

Engaging in nostalgia: Reminiscing is a normal reaction to stress and uncertainty. Focusing on positive moments of nostalgia offers us comfort, providing a temporary escape from emotionally stressful situations. Nostalgia also alleviates loneliness because in remembering a past event, we tap into pleasurable experiences, which are tied to persons with whom we shared those experiences, and we are reunited, if only in our minds, for just a moment. There are elements of nostalgic moments that you can bring into the present and incorporate into your self-care routine. Rediscover music, books, or television shows that you enjoyed in the past. Look at pictures of life events and reconnect with a family member or friend, by phone or in writing, sharing the memories with them. Eat a food that you found comforting and delightful in the past. Revel in these rediscovered experiences and find moments of happiness.

Seeing patterns: While memories may tend to jumble together, when we look at events across our lifespan in chronological order, we can see that just like a river, periods of time in our life go rushing joyously by, but there are also periods of slow down and pools of stagnation brought on by loss or other challenges. We are able to see what came before, what came after, and what resources we were able to draw upon to get us to the next stage. Perhaps these resources were drawn from within us or from external support given by family, friends, or professional counselors. While some of the external supports might no longer be available to you, such as a loved one who has passed away, you can still draw on what you learned from them. Additionally, it might be easier to deal with the unpredictable nature of life during COVID, realizing that we have handled many changes before and adapted to difficult situations in the past. We can examine what we were able to control, and what was beyond our ability to control. The strength and resilience we gained from working through past struggles helps us in our ability to cope with our current situations.

Finding contentment: Life review allows us to view past events with a more knowledgeable and forgiving eye. While we cannot change what happened in our lives, we can change how we perceive those events and what we can learn from them and apply to our lives. For example, maybe now we can see that the loss of a job led to a better opportunity, or a loss created the space for a new but different love. These realizations allow us to have a more accepting relationship with ourselves.

By moving through the steps outlined above, we may find ourselves able to reflect on the events of our lives with a new understanding of who we are and where we have been. These gains in perspective allow us to feel more secure moving into the future, knowing we are stronger and more resilient when faced with challenges than perhaps we previously thought.

Are you interested in mapping out your very own river of life? Please join me and my Kesher co-worker Tara on Zoom on Tuesday, October 13, 2020 at 12 p.m. for "And So It Flows," an expressive arts program inspired by the book Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, & Spirit by Rabbi Rachel Cowan & Dr. Linda Thal. During the program, we will guide you through a life review exercise to help you gain perspective on your personal journey.
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83134455874?pwd=eWZUR3RReUh2QXRWV1BEQmowNmlNQT09 

If you would like to participate in this activity but are unsure if it might bring up unpleasant feelings, I encourage you to first discuss it with your personal mental health provider, or either Tara Watkins or myself. Please keep in mind that the BH Link hotline, 401-414-LINK (5465), is available to provide free 24/7 mental health support and consultation. The national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Also, as the Kesher worker for the temple, I am available to connect you to necessary community resources to help address struggles you may be experiencing during these challenging times (phone: 401-428-4084 or shana@jfsri.org). Please note that Kesher is not for immediate emergency situations.

Article References
Breines, J. (2020, Mar. 18). 10 Ideas for Coping with Loneliness During Social Distancing. Psychology
Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-love-and-war/202003/10-ideas-coping-
loneliness-during-social-distancing.

Campoamor, D. (2020, July 28). Why We Reach for Nostalgia in Times of Crisis. New York Times.
Nytimes.com/2020/07/28smarter-living/coronavirus-nostalgia.html.

Cowan, R., & Thal, L. (2015). Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, & Spirit.

Dreher, D. (2020, Jan. 22). Why Loneliness Is Hazardous to Your Health. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-personal-renaissance/202001/why-loneliness-is-
hazardous-your-health.

By Tara Watkins, LICSW

​During the High Holy Days many of us find ourselves reflecting on the role of forgiveness in our lives. We look back on the past year, consider the mistakes that may have been made and explore ways to atone. Sometimes as we work to make amends, we may find ourselves forgetting an important piece of the forgiveness process, self-forgiveness.

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us have struggled with increased family tensions, changing expectations, lifestyle restrictions, and uncertainty. We have also had to face new parenting challenges, complications with caring for older parents and loved ones from a distance, new job responsibilities (or perhaps loss of employment), not being able to be present during a loved one’s serious illness or end of life moments, and many other COVID related losses and struggles.

With all these new complexities on our plates we might, unjustly, start to blame ourselves for things outside of our control. Robert Enright Ph.D in his Psychology Today article entitled “Whom Do I Forgive in the COVID Crisis?” states that sometimes those who care for others can develop a false sense that they never have done quite enough. 

We have to remember that the feelings we are experiencing now are normal and common experiences during the pandemic. We cannot forget that the ability to forgive ourselves for mistakes, both large and small, is critical to both our psychological and physical well-being. Studies have found that difficulties with self-forgiveness are frequently linked with self-harm behaviors such as eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicide attempts, among other problems (Breines, 2012). If you find yourself experiencing any self-harm behaviors, please speak with a trusted mental health professional or call one of the 24-hour hotline numbers listed at the bottom of this article.

Shame and guilt are often felt by those who struggle with self-forgiveness. Although these emotions may seem similar for in both experiences, we feel bad about ourselves, they are different. For example, feeling guilty may be healthy when it opens doors that lead to positive behavior change. On the other hand, shame is often very unhealthy causing lowered self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and behavior that reinforces that self-image (Engel, 2017).

One way to reduce feeling shame is to develop compassion for ourselves. According to psychotherapist Beverly Engel, compassion is the antidote to shame. Feeling compassion for ourselves does not release us from taking responsibility for our actions. But, it can release us from the negative self-talk that prevents forgiving ourselves and frees us to respond to the situation with more clarity.

The following are a few suggestions that may help if you are struggling with forgiving yourself and letting go of negative self-judgment (adapted from Cowan and Thal, 2015).

1. Review what has happened as truthfully as you can: Is what happened something that was out of your control (perhaps given the circumstance surrounding it and the new norm we are living in?) or was it something you were able to control…… Try to trace misdirected behavior to its origin. Think about what is causing the feelings associating with this incident. Then, ask yourself how you can redirect that same kind of energy in a more appropriate way.
   
   
2. Make amends and repair things where you can and appreciate the seriousness which you are trying to work through this. It is possible to still pick up a telephone and make a call, send an email or what is often even more meaningful in these times, a handwritten note.
   
   If you have tried to make amends with someone regarding a wrong that has been done, perhaps journaling, or talking to your partner, a trusted friend or colleague might help with exploring ways to let it go.
   
   
3. Try to get in touch with the feeling of being cared for. Remember a parent, friend, partner, or even a pet, who loves/loved you unconditionally (they could be alive or deceased). Imagine what he or she would name as some of your good qualities. Try to really take in both the love from them and the sense of yourself as embodying these qualities.
   
   One idea might be to paint them on a rock, or perhaps write them on a piece of paper and place them in a jar, then when you are struggling with self-forgiveness (because it is a process and moments of relapse will happen), you can walk to the stone or pull out a slip of paper to help work through the difficult emotions.
   
   
4. Truly try and let the negative self-talk (such as self-doubt, blame, and shame) go. When you have done all you can to repair what has been broken and to learn from this experience say-in your mind, aloud, in writing, or to another-“I have taken responsibility for my actions and done what I could to rectify the difficulty I caused. I forgive myself for_______and_____. I will no longer dwell on the bad feelings that surround this incident.” Perhaps pull in some of the positive qualities of yourself into this moment.
   
   

Remember that all forms of forgiveness, whether of others or ourselves are a process that require practice and patience, whether during COVID or beyond, so please be gentle with yourself. 

Chag sameach and l’shana tovah!

If you find yourself struggling with self-forgiveness I encourage you to reach out to a member of the temple clergy, for 24/7 mental health support consult BH link hotline 401-414-LINK (5465), or if for those 18 and under please call  855-KID (543)-LINK (5465). The national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Also, as the Kesher worker for the temple I am available to connect you to necessary community resources to help address COVID related struggles you may be experiencing during these challenging times (phone: 401-428-4084 or shana@jfsri.org).  Please note that Kesher is not for immediate emergency situations.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Beverly Engel L.M.F.T. “Healing Your Shame and Guilt Through Self-Forgiveness, posted June 1, 2017.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201706/healing-your-shame-and-guilt-through-self-forgiveness

Emotional Well Being and Coping During COVID, Weil Institute of Neurosciences, University of California San Francesco, Department of Psychiatry and Neurosciences https://psychiatry.ucsf.edu/coronavirus/coping

Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal “Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience and Spirit, Behrman House: New Jersey, 2015.

Robert Enright, Ph. D. “Whom Do I Forgive in the COVID-19 Crisis?” Mar 24, 2020 Psychology Today.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202003/whom-do-i-forgive-in-the-covid-19-crisis

Roger D. Williams, Jessica A. Brundage, and Erin B. Williams (May 2 2020) Moral Injury in Times of COVID, J Health Serv Psychol, 1–5. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7195905/

In the past few months, parenting has become exponentially more difficult as the days have gone by. With the onset of COVID-19, our lives became topsy-turvy with school closings and shelter in place orders. Then came more losses, whether in the form of cancellations of graduations, events, and many camps; employment; or as the loss of a loved one, friend, or acquaintance. More recently, the lifting of some restrictions has brought about mixed feelings and even anxiety about re-entry. In addition to the stressors brought forth by COVID-19, we have also witnessed atrocious acts of racial injustice.  Any one of these happenings would test our coping skills but taken together they have left many of us feeling overwhelmed. As parents and caretakers, we face an even greater challenge. How do we address these events and changes with our children? How do we have the difficult conversations? Below, we offer some general tips, as well as some topic-specific resources that you may find helpful in framing your own thoughts in preparation for having these talks with your children.

Prioritize your child’s emotional well-being
As adults, we must acknowledge and deal with our own discomfort with difficult topics, yet still be willing to talk to our children about it. By avoiding the topic altogether, we may inadvertently signal that the topic is too scary to address, thereby increasing their anxiety. Prepare for the talk by examining your own thoughts and biases and try to anticipate questions that your children might have and prepare to answer them by exploring resources. Try out the talk and bounce ideas off another trusted adult before approaching your child.

Seize the moment
Use comments your child has made, or that your child has heard (intentionally or inadvertently) as a catalyst for the conversation. Ask them what they already know about the topic and go from there. If an opportunity does not arise naturally, consider using a book or other age appropriate media as a catalyst for the conversation (see the resource section below for child-appropriate books and media links).1

Use direct, concrete, age-appropriate language
Euphemisms and metaphors can be confusing and scary, especially for young children. For example, when speaking to a grieving child, use concrete words like died or death instead of went to sleep or passed away.

Model appropriate emotional responses
Do not be afraid to allow your child to see that you are sad, angry, or disappointed. Be truthful, talk to them about how you are feeling, and show them how to manage these emotions in a healthy way. If you are struggling with these emotions yourself, reach out and ask for help from your clergy, your Kesher worker, or a mental health professional.

Avoidance does not indicate a lack of understanding
Children do not process in a linear fashion. Talking about it and then seeming to ignore the subject does not mean that they did not understand. They might be on information overload. Give them time and space to process their thoughts and emotions.

It is not a one and done
Children might then bring up the topic at random times. If they do not, do not assume they no longer want or need to talk about it. Check back in and invite them to readdress it with you.2 

It is okay to not have all the answers
There is no one right way to have these difficult conversations. Do not fear messing up. Be comfortable with saying, “I don’t know,” or “I have to think about that, and we can talk about it some more later.” Trust your gut instinct and follow your child’s lead to determine how much information they can handle and process. Above all else, listen to them, validate their feelings, and be there for them.

Each family is unique and dealing with challenges in their own way. If you would like someone to help process and provide further guidance specific to your situation, please reach out to your Kesher worker. I am available by phone at 401-428-4084 or by email at shana@jfsri.org.

Are you interested in learning more about how to help children navigate the grieving process?
Please join me on Zoom, Thursday, July 9 at 8 p.m. as my Kesher colleague, Tara Watkins LICSW, facilitates a talk with guest speaker Ryan Loiselle LICSW, Program Director of Friend’s Way (Rhode Island’s only children’s bereavement center), on ways to help children and their families cope with grief and loss during COVID, the re-entry process, and beyond.  

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1 Turner Ph.D., Erlanger A. (Aug. 13, 2017). "Race in America: Tips on Talking with Children About Racism."

2 Koslowitz Ph.D., Robyn. (Apr. 24, 2020). "Scared to Death to Talk to Your Kids About Death?"

3 Katherine Nguyen Williams Ph.D. (Jan. 27, 2020). "Telling Your Child or Teen About Kobe Bryant's Death."

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Resources
This list is by no means exhaustive, and we know that not every article with resonate with every family. If you need assistance locating additional resources, please reach out to Shana at shana@jfsri.org or 401-428-4084.

Grief and Loss
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/babies/202005/talking-young-children-about-death 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201708/mindful-meditation-the-mysteries-life-children (book recommendation with imbedded link to additional book recommendations)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-modern-child/202001/telling-your-child-or-teen-about-kobe-bryants-death (information about talking to teens about death, with information on access to
social media and how it affects coping)
https://www.kveller.com/camp-kveller-will-help-with-all-your-questions-and-concerns-about-jewish-summer-camp/ (camp closures)

Racism
https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/how-to-talk-honestly-with-children-about-racism
https://www.npr.org/2020/06/03/869071246/how-white-parents-can-talk-to-their-kids-about-race 
https://www.kveller.com/what-to-say-and-read-to-your-children-right-now-about-race/ 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/diverse-development/202006/the-dangers-colorblind-socialization 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-race-good-health/201708/race-in-america-tips-talking-children-about-racism 
https://www.kveller.com/a-jewish-anti-racist-reading-list-for-children-of-all-ages/ (book recommendations)
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/03/parenting/kids-books-racism.html (book recommendations)

Re-entry anxiety
https://www.today.com/health/how-deal-anxiety-around-re-entry-during-covid-19-crisis-t182743

Talking to Teens
https://childmind.org/article/teenagers-and-reopening/
https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays/our-kids-need-us

by Tara Watkins, LICSW

Punxsutawney Phil may not have seen his shadow this year, but for some of us the hope of six potential less weeks of winter may still not be enough to stop what is commonly known as the winter blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

About twenty percent of Americans experience some form of winter blues and an estimated 10 million experience Seasonal Affective Disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the main risk factors for SAD are age, sex, family history of depression, distance from the equator, and a history of depression or other mood disorders. Studies have shown that young adults and women are more likely to experience SAD, with three out of four being women. However, when men do experience SAD symptoms, they are usually more severe. 

So, what exactly is SAD? SAD is a type of depression that comes and goes with the four seasons. Symptoms may vary depending on the time of year. Typically, SAD manifests the most during the colder months of late autumn through winter – when days are shorter, darker and chiller. 

The exact cause for SAD is unknown. However, there is some evidence that it may be related to the body's level of melatonin and serotonin. Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland that regulates the sleep-wake cycle. Darkness stimulates the production of melatonin, preparing the body for sleep. As the winter days get shorter and darker, melatonin production in the body increases and people tend to feel sleepier and more lethargic.

Individuals with SAD may also have trouble regulating their levels of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that influences mood. Research suggests that people with SAD may produce less Vitamin D in response to sunlight. (Vitamin D is believed to play a role in serotonin activity.) Insufficiency of vitamin D is associated with clinically significant depression symptoms.

There are a range of symptoms for winter SAD, but some of the most commonly reported include: fatigue (paired with oversleeping), trouble concentrating, chronically low moods, irritability,  greater appetite, strong carb cravings (which can lead to weight gain), and greater desire to be alone.  

Self-care is important for everyone, but for those with the winter blues or SAD it is vital. Experts recommend monitoring mood and energy level, taking advantage of available sunlight, planning pleasurable and physical activities, approaching the winter season with a positive attitude, and, when symptoms develop, seek help sooner rather than later.

Feeling like the winter blues or SAD might be getting you down? Below are a few other suggestions/strategies that you may wish to explore: 
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1. Spend more time in light (ideally natural): Research has shown that lack of exposure to natural light is one of the main reasons behind SAD. Spending time outside during daylight hours and exposure to the sun, even small doses, helps boost serotonin levels and improve overall mood. Several strategies for increasing light exposure include taking a short walk or increasing natural light in your home by opening blinds and sitting near windows.  Additionally, studies have found that for some supplementing natural light exposure with “phototherapy” are very beneficial. (Phototherapy light boxes are specifically designed for SAD individuals and do not use UV light.) Please consult your doctor to explore if phototherapy might be right for you. Lastly, some find that painting walls in lighter colors helps to combat winter SAD.
2. Exercise regularly: especially if the activity occurs outside in natural daylight. (Then you are getting your necessary light exposure and the bonus of exercise!) Regular exercises help boost serotonin, endorphins, and other feel good brain chemicals. Exercises also helps boost self-esteem and improve sleep. Try exercise that moves both your arms and your legs such as walking, weight training, swimming, martial arts, dancing. Even something as simple as walking your dog can be a great help.
3. Connect with others: Reach out to Family and friends – and let them help. The American Psychological Association found that close relationships may reduce feelings of isolation and manage SAD. Try to participate in social activities, even if you don’t feel like it. It may be more comfortable to retreat into your apartment or house but being around other people will boost your mood. Even if you’ve retreated from relationships that were once important to you, if the relationship is not toxic, try reconnecting and/or starting new relationships. Or, you might consider joining a support group for depression. Sometimes just sharing what you are going through with peers who are facing similar struggles helps reduce feelings of isolation and may motivate us. 
4. Eat right for you: Eat small well-balanced meals throughout the day, this will help keep your energy up and minimize mood swings. Symptoms of SAD can make you crave sugary carbs or simple carbs, but complex carbs are better. They may help boost your feel-good serotonin levels without the subsequent sugar crash. If you are able, try to eat foods rich in omega-3 fats – such as oily fish, walnuts, or flaxseeds – they may improve mood. 
5. Check for potential vitamin deficiencies: Over the winter months, as we get less and less sunlight, vitamin D is insufficiently produced in our bodies. Research suggests that ensuring we get enough vitamin D may help to prevent and manage depression. To make sure that you're getting enough vitamin D during autumn and winter, you may wish to consider taking a dietary supplement. (If you are considering a vitamin supplement please consult with a trusted doctor to help determine the right dose for your needs.) However, since Vitamin D is found in a range of foods, often just altering our diets may increase vitamin D consumption. Salmon, preferably wild caught and eggs, are two examples of Vitamin D rich foods that can easily be incorporated into daily meals. Some studies suggest that people with mood disorders may have an omega-3 fatty acid deficit, and so supplementation of this nutrient may also help to keep symptoms in check. (Again, please consult a professional to help figure out the right supplement dose for your physical needs.) Other research published in the American Journal of Public Health points to fruit and vegetables as the foods of choice when it comes to increasing feelings of happiness and overall well-being.
6. Take steps to deal with stress: Whatever the time of year too much stress may exacerbate or even trigger depression. Therefore, it is very important to figure out the causes of stress in your life and try to take steps to minimize or avoid it altogether if possible. Some have found that by practicing daily relaxation techniques they are able to better manage stress, reduce negative emotions such as anger and fear and boost feelings of joy and wellbeing. Other mindful strategies for dealing with stress include yoga, meditation or progressive muscle relaxation. 
7. Consider professional help and/or medication intervention: if you are finding that SAD symptoms impact day-to-day functioning and/or your depression feels overwhelming and adversely affecting your life, psychotherapy may help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be highly beneficial for people with seasonal effective disorder. (CBT is a form of talk therapy that seeks to change thought patterns and behavior.) The right therapeutic relationship may help curb negative thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that make SAD worse and help manage and deal with stress in healthy ways. For some, anti-depressants are also helpful (speak to your doctor about this option more.)       

Life often gets in the way even for the most highly motivated among us, therefore it is important to have a plan and make it part of our regular routines help prevent and manage the winter blues or SAD.

If you think you or someone you love may be experiencing the winter blues or SAD and would like help with addressing their symptoms or finding help, please reach out to shana@jfsri.org or 401-428-4084.

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Reference Sources:

"How can you cope with seasonal affective disorder?" by Maria Cohut, Ph.D.
Medical News Today, November 24, 2017.

"How to Cope with Seasonal Affective Disorder," by Lizz Schumer
The New York Times, January 23, 2018.

"Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)," by Lawrence Robinson, Jennifer Shubin, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.
HelpGuide, October 2019.

"Seasonal Affective Disorder"
Psychology Today 

by Shana Prohofsky

When making resolutions, many of us look to the past year to see what went well versus what needs improvement. As parents, many of us reflect on not only our own achievements and shortcomings, but those of our children, as well. This process can become especially difficult given the amount of attention that is given to parenting in our current culture. Social media posts, parenting blogs, and even parenting columns in well-known newspapers seem to be chock full of articles on parenting styles, and the subsequent judgment of parents who choose one style over another. There are articles on attachment parenting, free range parenting, helicopter parenting, mindful parenting, and bulldozer parenting just to name a few. But, for every so called scientifically backed method, there seems to be a counter method that is purported to be more effective.  

In looking into this topic, I came across an interesting Psychology Today article by Dr. Stephen Mintz, who asserts that these parenting styles and associated labels have nothing to do with the actual physical or emotional well-being of children. Rather, Mintz says these styles, which are all supported and refuted by different scientific studies, play into the anxieties and fears that we have about the type of world our children are living in. He ultimately concluded that this preoccupation with parenting style has prevented parents from parenting un-self-consciously. More simply put, instead of following our hunches about what is best for our children, we are inclined to set them aside and follow whatever is the current parenting trend. We find ourselves in a mental struggle between being the parent we would like to be and the parent we are expected to be.
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What are we as parents and caregivers to do when criticism, or even seemingly well-meaning comments are lobbed, whether it be following the meltdown in the grocery check-out line, a friend catching wind of misbehavior at school, or a top choice college placement not being secured? One way is to view the critique as misguided caring. Frame the comment by assuming that the person making the comment is worried and simply trying to help by doing or saying something. This person likely does not have enough information about the situation to give helpful advice, but perhaps there is no malicious intent. In this case, take the comment for what it is worth and move on secure in the knowledge that you, as the parent, are the most informed about what is going on and the best equipped to deal with the situation. 

But what if the comment is indeed hurtful?  Advocate for yourself and your child. Let the person know that what has been said or done was upsetting. Although this could lead to an uncomfortable conversation, not saying anything leads to continued hurt feelings and even resentment. How do you start this difficult conversation? Hold off on giving an immediate, emotionally charged response. Once you have had a moment to regroup, put your feelings into words, and constructively address the comment with clarity. You can even suggest an action that would be constructive in the given situation, if you can. However, if the comment from another is truly ill-intentioned and mean-spirited, ignore it as purposeless negativity. By not responding to these harmful comments in a hasty, negative manner, you are in fact modeling self-control and positive behavior for your children.

Parenting would be easier if everyone kept in mind that there is no one “right” way to successfully parent, and that no two children are exactly alike. Consistency, clear expectations, good listening skills, setting a good example, and seeking outside or professional support when needed are all important components of parenting. While there will most certainly be things that do not go well, it is important to focus on the big picture, not the minutiae of day to day life.  

Are you hitting bumps in the road on the journey of parenthood? Are you looking for resources? Let’s talk. Please contact me by phone at (401) 428-4084 or by email at shana@jfsri.org.

Here are some other sources on this topic: 
Kira Asatryan, "Five Ways to Survive Criticism from Family Members," Psychology Today, November 16, 2015
Maurice J. Elias, Marilyn E. Gootman and Heather L. Schwartz, The Joys and Oys of Parenting: Insights & Wisdom from the Jewish Tradition.  Springfield, NJ:  Behrman House.