Guilt

Guilt:  noun, \’gilt\, 1.  The fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving penalty, 2. The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously, 3. A feeling of deserving blame for offenses.*

It is the punchline of many a Jewishly-themed joke, but feelings of guilt as a caregiver for an aging parent can become no laughing matter. While a small dose of guilt can serve as a great motivator, too much can overwhelm and become unhealthy. Caregivers, who experience high levels of guilt and feelings of inadequacy, are more prone to depression, risk physical exhaustion, and can become resentful. Those caregivers, whose loved ones have passed, yet who continue to second guess their caregiving, often experience prolonged, more complicated grieving.

Professionals in the field of aging acknowledge that it is unrealistic to achieve a caregiving relationship that is completely guilt free. No caregiving situation is ever going to be perfect. End of life decline is a process that cannot be fixed or reversed.** Furthermore, seeking to provide complete relief or a cure from suffering is an impossible goal. It is however recommended that caregivers manage guilt by setting realistic goals for themselves, as well as the person for whom they are providing care. Although it is difficult, it is necessary to come to terms with the fact that what you think you should do is not always equal to what you can or are even willing to do.*** A wealth of supportive services exist to alleviate the burden on you, as the caregiver. As your temple’s Kesher worker, I can assess your family’s unique caregiving needs and link you to appropriate programs at Jewish Collaborative Services, as well as services in the greater RI community that are available to assist you and your family members on your caregiving journey.

In addition to seeking help from others and utilizing available services, it is important to practice self-care by taking time for yourself in order to achieve a balance between caregiving tasks and other personal objectives and relationships. This could include exercise, meditation, reading a book, taking a walk, or visiting with friends. Moreover, occasional negative feelings such as anxiety or even dread associated with caregiving tasks are normal and do not mean that you do not care about or love your family member. Caregiver support groups, as well as individual counseling can be helpful in addressing feelings of inadequacy, guilt, anger, or resentment. As always, I am available through the Kesher program to provide support free of charge by lending a compassionate, confidential ear. I can also assist in making referrals for caregiver support groups, or ongoing private counseling.

Below is a listing of program areas within Jewish Collaborative Services that may be suitable to meet your family’s specific needs:

• Lifeline RI Emergency Response System: Lifeline is a personal emergency response system which provides fast access to trained Response associates in the event of an emergency at the press of a button. Lifeline associates provide services 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
• Housing: The Phyllis Siperstein Tamarisk Assisted Living Residence offers enriched assisted living long term home options through assisted living residences, as well as short-term respite care and adult day services at the Celebrations Adult day center. The Shalom affordable housing complex, includes Shalom and Shalom II Apartments, offers supportive living with services for seniors and those with mobility impairments.
• Celebrations Adult Day Services at Tamarisk: Celebrations offers personal care assistance, as well as a wide range of activities and social programs to enhance physical and emotional wellbeing in a safe and supportive environment. Services are available 7 days a week in 6 to 8 hour blocks of time.
• JERI Senior Outreach Visits: JERI staff and volunteers regularly visit homebound Jewish seniors, as well as Jewish seniors living in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, or in the hospital. Volunteers offer companionship, as well as a friendly check on the senior’s status and outlook. Cultural programs, religious services, spiritual support, holiday gift deliveries, and family assistance for seniors who may otherwise feel isolated from their communities are also provided.
• Partners in Care: The Partners in Care Program, thanks to funding from AmeriCorps, provides free, in-home, companion level respite for families, who have a connection with military services and are caring for older or disabled adults.
• The Counseling Center: The Counseling Center’s independently licensed, master’s level clinicians provide confidential, high quality counseling services to children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families, who are experiencing life challenges.
• Geriatric Care Management: The Geriatric Care Management program provides a combination of assessment, resources, and referrals to help seniors and their families to manage the challenges of aging.
• Nutrition: Kosher Senior Cafes at the Jewish Alliance in Providence and at Temple Sinai in Cranston offer kosher lunches and an opportunity for meaningful social interaction. The Kosher Meals on Wheels program delivers nutritious kosher meals to homebound seniors. The Louis & Goldie Chester Full Plate Kosher Food Pantry provides kosher food and personal care items to those in need. Delivery is available for those who are homebound.
• Basic Needs Assistance: The Case Management social workers provide confidential guidance to connect individuals and families with vital social services to help them manage physical, emotional, or financial challenges that put their wellbeing at risk. A free financial literacy program is also available, which provides extended support for those who need help managing their finances and getting or staying out of debt.

Are you a caregiver for a family member? Would you benefit from supportive assistance? Please do not hesitate to reach out to me by phone at 401-428-4084 or by email at [email protected].

Are you looking for volunteer opportunities? Partners in Care, Tamarisk, The Louis &Goldie Chester Full Plate Kosher Food Pantry, and the JERI program could always use a helping hand.  Please contact Jessica Murphy at 401-331-1244 for more information.

* - Guilt. 2019. In Merriam-Webster.com. Retrieved July 6, 2019, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guilt.

** - Capuzzi Simon, Cecelia.  (July 14, 2008).  Guilt by Association:  Even Caring Adult Children Don’t Outgrow Feelings of Guilt.  Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whos-caring-mom/200807/guilt-association.

*** - Jacobs, Barry J.  (June 1, 2016).  Caregivers:  Living with Guilt.  Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2017/living-with-guilt-bjj.html.

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Shana Prohofsky is the Kesher social worker at Temple Sinai and Temple Torat Yisrael. Kesher is the congregational outreach program of Jewish Collaborative Services of Rhode Island, funded by the Jewish Alliance of Greater Rhode Island and private donors. Shana can be reached at [email protected] or 401-428-4084.

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